ISSUE

SUMMER 2018

HOW TO TALK TO TEENS ON THE EDGE: A CONVERSATION WITH ADOLESCENT PSYCHOLOGIST ROY PETIFILS

Archways: It’s scary for parents these days: Depression, social alienation, drug use and suicide are on the rise among adolescents. Why?

Roy Petitﬁls: There’s the changing dynamic of the American family: What family means, what it looks like, has drastically changed. And social media is a huge factor: we’ve got research now showing a causal relationship between social media use and adverse mental health outcomes. There’s also terror: kids are aware how dangerous the world is. It’s tougher to get into college, too. There are a lot of stressors, a lot of pressure.

AW: What are some warning signs?

RP: Isolation is a huge one. Sudden, drastic changes in personality, sleep, friendships, or grades. Are you ﬁnding stuff as you’re doing your laundry, blood stains that might be a sign of cutting or injurious behavior? That’s something to be on the lookout for. Most parents don’t trust their intution, but if your gut is telling you there’s something wrong, there probably is. And if a mood change lasts more than two weeks, that’s a marker.

AW: How can a parent or teacher establish a productive line of communication with a troubled teen?

RP: The ﬁrst thing would be to not wait till something’s wrong to make sure the lines of communication are open. To remind your teens, even when nothing’s wrong, “Promise me that if something’s wrong, you’ll come to me.” And how a parent handles anything is how they’ll handle everything – so if you completely blow a gasket over non-critical things, the teen is not going to want to come to you about things that are critical. But do not give up. Listen to your child. If you feel as if you’re not getting through, ask, “Hey, what is it that I’m doing that makes you not want to talk to me? What could I do better?”

AW: Suppose a child is taking drugs or threatening self-harm?

RP: At that point you have to go to a professional counselor who has the skills and credentials to do an appropriate assessment. When it comes to drugs, the reason teens start using and the reason they continue using are not necessarily the same – substance use may start off as a way to medicate some emotional problem, but it continues because the user becomes dependent. So I advise parents to intervene as quickly as possible. And if you’re seeing self-harm or suicidal threats, those are things you can’t take lightly. You have to intervene at that point. Err on the cautious side.

AW: How can a parent stay hopeful and positive while dealing with these issues?

RP: Take the words of Mother Teresa: “Work as if everything depends on you and leave the rest to God.” In the parable of the prodigal son, the father catches sight of the son from a long way off, and the reason he catches sight of him is that he’s looking for him. And when he sees him, he runs.That’s a reminder that these are God’s kids before they are ours and after they are ours. There’s a lot of hope for teens whose parents stay involved. I’m not saying it’s easy, but there’s tons of hope. There are good counselors and good youth ministers: Get them involved. Utilize the village. Email the teacher or coach you know has a good relationship with your kid. That’s being a savvy parent.

Roy Petitﬁls, LPC, is a Catholic therapist who consults with schools and churches. His most recent book is What Teens Want You to Know (But Don’t Tell You).

WHERE TO GET HELP

CatholicCharitiesNY.org
Offering a wide array of services, from counseling to mental health to substance abuse treatment.

AFSP.org
The website of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, offering resources and raising awareness of warning signs and preventive measures.

NIMH.NIH.gov
The National Institute of Mental Health site gives descriptions, warning signs and treatment suggestions for everything from anxiety disorder to traumatic events.