JOINED IN SPIRIT
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THE JOY AND PROMISE OF A CATHOLIC MARRIAGE
FALL 2021
“WILL YOU MARRY ME?” In the movies, this question often solves all problems. It leads to a wedding – the ultimate happily-ever-after moment. The music swells. The credits roll.
In the Catholic Church, however, a wedding is seen not as an ending but a beginning – meant to foretell happiness ahead as the couple confirms a commitment to each other and to God. A wedding is not a marriage. A marriage is as distinct from a wedding as an ocean voyage is from the dock where it started.
As Pope Francis said in “The Beauty of Marriage,” his June 2021 prayer intention: “Getting married and sharing one’s life is something beautiful.” But it’s not a walk in the park. “It’s a demanding journey,” he continued, “at times difficult, and at times complicated, but it’s worth making the effort.” Then he revealed the secret to overcoming the difficulties: “On this lifelong journey, the husband and wife aren’t alone; Jesus accompanies them.”
Cardinal Timothy Dolan, in his homily for this year’s Golden Jubilee Wedding Mass, which took place at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in June in honor of couples celebrating their 50th wedding anniversaries, made a similar point. “The real reason for the success of your marriage is because 50 years ago you asked God to be part of it,” he told the assembled couples. He praised them for seeing beyond the cliché that it takes two to make a marriage work: “You said, ‘Not quite. It takes three. It takes me, it takes you and it takes the Lord.’ That’s why you went for the sacrament.”
It’s a sad fact that, over the past 40 years, Catholic Church marriages have declined in New York by more than 70%. In part this is because more young people are putting off getting married, and in part because some Catholics are choosing to marry outside the Church. As a result, they may face the challenges of marriage without the presence of the Lord in their unions, and without the love and support of a parish community. Too often their children go unbaptized and don’t receive communion or confirmation.
The sacrament of matrimony has brought joy and deep meaning to the lives of countless men and women – yet many young Catholics have drifted in their faith and lost sight of these blessings. Today, archdiocesan ministry leaders are reaching out to couples to spark a resurgence in Catholic marriages and a return of young couples to the Church. With prayer and evangelization, we can turn the tide.
READYING HEARTS
Jeff and Claudia Cortez, Pre-Cana ministers at Sacred Heat, Monroe.ON VALENTINE'S DAY 2014, Pope Francis addressed an audience of engaged couples at St. Peter’s Square in Rome. “Living together is an art, a patient, beautiful, fascinating journey,” he told them. “It does not end once you have won each other’s love…. Rather, it is precisely there where it begins!”
The Catholic Church, from pope to pastor to your fellow parishioners, wants couples to make a successful transition from the romance of courtship to the “patient, beautiful, fascinating journey” of marriage. It’s natural for a bride and groom to spend weeks planning the details of their wedding day and reception; the Church helps them learn spiritual and emotional skills and plan for the decades of family life that lie ahead.
A couple’s first stop, once they’ve decided to get married, should be their parish office and an appointment with a parish priest or deacon, who will guide them regarding preparatory options and requirements. The Archdiocese of New York’s marriage preparation program is meant to help couples grow in love and be open to God’s grace so they can have happy and fulfilling marriages. Components of the program include:
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An online relationship inventory, which helps a couple discover their relationship strengths, skills they may need to work on, and personal issues that may threaten the vitality of their bond. Year after year, research studies have underscored the value of this tool for couples in enhancing communication, conflict management and intimacy in their marriages over time.
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A day-long Pre-Cana seminar – an experience of faith, witness and community built around short, high-quality video modules, designed to help couples understand and embrace a Catholic vision of married love. A married couple facilitates the day, providing practical advice and sound instruction on such topics as self-awareness, communication, commitment, sexuality and spirituality.
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Additional online learning modules, available to further engage and educate couples. Modules feature short videos followed by questions to reinforce the couples’ learning and foster communication about important relationship areas.
For qualified couples who have already been married in a non-Catholic ceremony, a process called convalidation may offer a way to bring their marriage into the Church. More than a simple blessing of the existing union, convalidation involves a true exchange of vows, so some Catholic marriage preparation is required. Interested couples should consult with a parish priest or deacon. For more information, read “Ask a Priest” in Archways’ Spring 2020 edition and visit the Office of Family Life.
WEDDING DAY: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE
AMID THE POMP AND HIGH EMOTIONS OF A TYPICAL WEDDING DAY, some might overlook the unique spiritual elements of the Catholic Rite of Matrimony. A marriage is more than a wedding, as we have noted – but the Catholic rite does contain many elements that point toward a deeper meaning and a spiritual bond in Christ.
Although the sacrament is not required to be performed as part of a Mass, its spiritual majesty is most fully expressed in the context of the liturgy. And on what other occasion will a couple get to experience a Mass celebrated specifically for them? During the service, the celebrant repeatedly directs our attention to the sacrament and the couple, acknowledging the profound joy of their union as well as the commitment they are making to one another, to the community and to the Lord – who is physically present with them on the altar in the form of the Eucharist.
Here are some of the moments that give deep meaning to the ritual.*
OPENING PRAYER | After the groom and the bride process to the altar, the priest greets them and their guests and introduces the coming sacrament.
“May the Lord hear you on this your joyful day/ May he send you help from heaven and protect you/ May he grant you your hearts’ desire/ and fulfill every one of your prayers.”
COLLECT | In the prayer that follows the Gloria (Glory to God), the priest again asks the Lord to bless the marriage.
“Join, we pray, in a bond of inseparable love these your servants who are to be united in the covenant of Marriage, so that, as you make their love fruitful, they may become, by your grace, witnesses to charity itself.”
PRIEST'S ADDRESS TO THE COUPLE AND STATEMENT OF INTENTIONS | The priest begins the Rite of Matrimony with a statement to the couple, who respond affirmatively to a sequence of questions about their commitment to care for one another and their children.
“Christ abundantly blesses the love that binds you. Through a special Sacrament, he enriches and strengthens those he has already consecrated by Holy Baptism, that they may be faithful to each other for ever.”
CONSENT AND ACCEPTANCE OF CONSENT | The couple exchanges vows and the priest responds.
“May the Lord in his kindness strengthen the consent you have declared before the Church, and graciously bring to fulfillment his blessing within you.”
UNIVERSAL PRAYER | Often referred to as the Prayer of the Faithful, this series of verses, each followed by the response “Lord, hear our prayer,” is adapted to support and uplift the couple.
“Graciously pour out upon this husband and wife, O Lord, the Spirit of your love, to make them one heart and one soul.”
NUPTIAL BLESSING | Throughout the Liturgy of the Eucharist, the priest invokes the grace of matrimony and love for the couple. Following the Lord’s Prayer, all join in silent prayer, then the priest extends his hand over the bride and groom and offers the Nuptial Blessing.
“In happiness may they praise you, O Lord, in sorrow may they seek you out; may they have the joy of your presence to assist them in their toil.”
CONCLUDING RITES | At the end of the Mass, yet another blessing.
“May God the Eternal Father keep you of one heart in love for one another, that the peace of Christ may dwell in you and abide always in your home.”
*Quotes from the Order of Celebrating Matrimony within Mass are excerpts, not full passages. As there are multiple versions for many sections of liturgy, the words may not be an exact match for those actually spoken in a given ceremony.
EVER AFTER: THE JOURNEY
The ParentCare program at Immaculate Conception of Mary / Assumption parish in Tuckahoe helps couples keep the joy in parenthood.THE HONEYMOON IS OVER. The couple has gone from engaged sweethearts to bride and groom to newlyweds. Now they are a wife and husband getting on with their lives. Does that sound anticlimactic? It shouldn’t.
What follows is the adventure: to support one another throughout life, to share their love with the world, to build a new family. It’s why they got married in the first place.
As on any other journey, the couple will need encouragement, guidance and help. This can come from extended family and friends. For a Catholic couple in the Archdiocese of New York, it also comes from their parish, their community and the services and support of the archdiocese.
The first and simplest way for a couple to receive the benefits of the Church is to attend Mass and other events at their parish. “Regular attendance at Mass, praying together and receiving the Eucharist together, can strengthen not only the spiritual life of the husband and wife as individuals but also their married life as a couple,” says Msgr. Joseph Giandurco, pastor of St. Patrick’s in Yorktown Heights and co-author of Partners in Life and Love: A Preparation Handbook for the Celebration of Catholic Marriage. “Participating as volunteers or engaging in ministry can also make their connection to each other and to the community of the Church stronger.”
That’s only the beginning of the ways the Church can support a marriage. “The Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of New York and its Marriage Ministries team are available to support the vocation of marriage and family,” says Dr. Kathleen Wither, the office’s director. “We assist couples and parishes by providing resources, referrals and opportunities for married formation and spiritual growth.” Family Life sponsors and supports programs to help couples with getting pregnant, caring for babies and toddlers, and dealing with other challenges of maintaining a meaningful marriage.
In the past few years, the office has helped introduce many couples to fertility-awareness based methods (FABM), also known as natural family planning (NFP), to help married couples plan their pregnancies through fertility awareness. Often supported by technology such as fertility apps and wearable sensors, couples learn to identify when pregnancy can and cannot occur. “This empowers couples to reap the benefits of God’s plan for love and life in their marriage – an integral part of what they pledge to each other in their marriage vows,” Wither says.
For those having difficulty conceiving, the Gianna Center of New York City offers full gynecological care and fertility services with a firm commitment to honor women’s dignity and the sanctity of human life.
For parents, the archdiocese offers several programs at the parish level, including ParentCare, Common Sense Parenting and others (archny.org/ministries-and-offices/family-life/parenting). Under the guidance of parish ministry leaders, mothers and fathers can learn about everything from child development and safety to managing a restless child at Mass and dealing with other behavior issues. Many of these programs were forced to close down at the start of the pandemic. Some found ways to carry on their mission virtually, and, as with so many other activities, leaders are working toward a safe transition to “normal” in-person sessions.
Beyond the toddler years, the Church is there to help couples in the faith formation of their children. For parents who are concerned that their kids’ values may be unduly influenced by the materialism and amorality of contemporary culture, the Catholic Schools in the Archdiocese of New York offer top-notch education from pre-K through high school in which instruction is aligned with Catholic values and even includes religion classes. Kids who cannot attend a Catholic school can attend religious education classes at their parish, supported by the Catechetical Office of the archdiocese. During the high school years, parish youth programs sponsored by the Office of Youth Ministry shepherd teens to social opportunities where faith is front and center.
Whether or not a couple is blessed with children, the best marriage will probably hit a rough patch occasionally – and for those times, Catholic family counseling is available through the archdiocese’s Parish Counseling Network. The Family Life Office may also be able to suggest Catholic couples retreats run by independent Catholic organizations.
The Church aims to help husbands and wives avail themselves of the love unstintingly offered by the Lord. “What comes to mind is the miracle of the multiplication of the loaves,” Pope Francis says. “The Lord can multiply your love. … He gives you the love that stands at the foundation of your union and each day he renews and strengthens it.”
FOREVER FAMILY
Married 50 years: the Golden Jubilee Mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.THE FAMILY IS THE DOMESTIC CHURCH.
This idea goes back at least as far as St. Augustine in the fourth century, and St. Pope John Paul II frequently addressed it during his time as leader of the Church. “The family is a community of life and love,” he said in a 1986 homily. “It is a living image and historical representation of the mystery of the Church. The future of the world, and of the Church, therefore, passes through the family.”
In Pope John Paul II’s view, then – echoed by Pope Francis – the married couple represents a linchpin in the past and future of the Church. The love of the couple blossoms into love of the family, which blossoms into love in the wider community and the wider world. Out of this comes community, charity, church, new marriages, new families. It’s an exponential growth of Christian love.
The Archdiocese of New York helps families in the expression of this love by providing services for family members at all stages of life. The Catholic Youth Organization provides activities for children that build Catholic values through athletics, art and essay contests, chess teams and other pursuits. The Family Life Office helps parishes deliver programs for those struggling with loss, grief, or brokenness through its bereavement and divorce ministry programs. The Young Adult Outreach and Adult Faith Formation offices offer enriched understanding of the faith.
Parishes throughout the archdiocese provide support and outreach to help parishioners and other community members. Catholic Charities of New York offers a wide variety of services for families and individuals in need – and creates opportunities for others to contribute as volunteers or donors. ArchCare, the health- and senior-care ministry of the archdiocese, delivers top-quality care to older New Yorkers and to others in need of medical help. And dozens of other organizations, including Catholic religious orders and congregations, pursue charitable and social justice missions of Christian service.
All of this is made possible by love – love of Jesus, the love of countless individuals and families – and in a sense, it all begins anew when a man and a woman have the courage to commit themselves to a loving life together in the Body of Christ.
For more on services for families, see the Archways feature “Family Matters,” recently updated with current program information.
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